Lemon Starbursts, Lemonheads and lemon Pez all taste like Satan’s sour taint. It’s like the laziest candy flavor of all time. This kind of looks like a urinal cake.Īnything lemon flavored is almost an admission to children that your candy is terrible. Here’s my opinions of each flavor, ranked from worst to best. As a whole, these flavors are all good, but some are definitely better than others. These are absolutely heavenly and have the capability to instantly transport me back to the good old days of HyperColor T-Shirts and Spuds MacKenzie. These flavors are Orange, Lemon, Grapefruit, Lime, and Raspberry. When they arrived in the mail, I was both surprised and delighted that I got a bag that contained nothing but the original “Vintage 5” flavors. I figured that any Fruit Gems was better than none, so I bought a bag of these off the internet (and they were not cheap, either). The user reviews warned me that the new blueberry and watermelon flavored replacements were a slight against God. I found that they still sell two pound bags of these damn things in this day and age! They advertise a bunch of weird new flavors in the current assortments instead of the old ones, which were mostly citrus flavors. When I tell you that Amazon (no paid promotional plug here) has everything you can think of, I mean it. I eventually assumed that the Gems were gone forever, lost to the sugary sands of time. On a random day in 2016, I fondly remembered them out of the blue and decided to shop around online to see if there was a chance that they still existed. During the 80’s, bags of these treats were plentiful and available in every grocery store, but as time wore on, the Gems began vanishing into thin air like Marty McFly did in 1955. We positively devoured these things, leaving mountainous piles of plastic wrappers in our wake. I know that’s a strange descriptor, but it’s a better explanation to use than simply calling them “Fruity Tongue Jellies”. The Gems are individually wrapped fruit jelly candy, covered in a thick coating of coarse sugar that feels a lot like the texture of your tongue when you hold it outside your mouth for a few minutes and let it completely dry out. The new disco jive in the disco candy dish was the amazing naturally flavored Sunkist Fruit Gems, which were delicious drops of gummy sugar parading around as a natural “alternative” to normal sugary candy. One day, she chose to replace the Andes mints with something new that she had discovered while browsing the aisles of the Albertson’s supermarket two blocks away. These were always a huge hit with visitors and family, and she got tired of buying boxes and boxes of those damn things anytime anybody came by. When she realized these were not a popular choice, she would then decided to fill it with those Andes dinner mints and they would get completely devoured in a single day. Originally, she filled it with mixed nuts and as time marched on, these ended up accumulating a thick coat of dust over them. On second thought, I’ll take the clowns.īut, back to that orange decanter from the seventies… It was her candy dish and she would keep it stocked with good stuff most of the time. We always considered a trip to grandma’s house closer to being a trip to a museum from all the things she and my grandfather had collected together while traipsing across the globe. No matter what time of year it was, those carolers were a constant staple of her odd decor choices which also included giant suits of armor positioned outside the master bathroom doors. It could have been worse though, it could be a lamp made entirely out of clowns.
The base of this lamp was a group of wintery porcelain Christmas carolers slapped together and painted in a rather haphazard fashion. My favorite permanent fixture at her house was a really large orange decanter on the end of a hutch that was perched precariously next to an exceptionally creepy lamp. Back in the fluorescent 1980’s, a weekend trip to my grandmother’s house was an exercise in remembering and embracing the style of the seventies.
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